Pammal Vidya — II (Followup Debate)

I was referred to the post on “Does all husband’s cling to their mom’s saree?” by a couple of Site Alerts and post comments over “Pammal Vidya — Part II“. I appreciate the author of the post (‘Lavanya”) for having ushered into the world of blogs with a radical social renaissance thought on happy marital bondings. My sincere thanks for the same too. I also would share out a quick comment left in my ‘Contact Us’ page through a reader called ‘Nithya Lavanya’ whose text is as below:

i saw your post from views and reviews — my fav authors’. i think it is his huge success that instead of getting comment only his view gave birth to a new blogpost itself. i have little objections on a few points as guided from my own life as my akka is also a senior psychology professor cum practitioner.

how do you expect your hubby to trust you when you dont make up to stand to that point. “Often husband’s does not tell about their salary, expenditure, plans for future etc.,”. no it is we that hide from them and pull them down. “Do not have the attitude that she does not have outside exposure and hence cannot suggest on financial/ other issues. Guys you are in for a shock. Yes, girls can analyse things having the long run in mind and can suggest better ideas that you might not even have thought of in your wildest imaginations. Now-a-days girls have versatility. ” girls are also spendthrift compared to groom. am i right? “last but not the last” is the one you quoted very rudely. the gilr is are recommending him an athiest route which is unpardonable. “Do not consider physical relationship as a taboo. “. the girl should give him that confidence to get up with him. if you wanted such a guy who has a free and flow with sexual relationships then i think that bride would only get a corrupt icon not a brahmachari.

anyways congrats for getting wedded to social champion and i think you too are rocking the blogosphere with radical thoughts. your hubby has mentioned about a good coincidence as lavanya deepak. again this seems to another coincidence. my sister’s name is lavanya and i prefer my email name to by ‘nithya lavanya’ and i love his writings and now yours too. 🙂 May the LD network expand! 🙂 🙂

I just thought I would take a few moments to discuss a few contemptuous points discussed over the other post. Comments are welcome in any of the blog posts. The same would be collated and published for the welfare of the society.

Give respect to your wife’s feelings. The initial period is called as Honeymoon period, but it is definitely not a honeymoon period for the girl. The girl leaves her family and joins her in-laws and husband believing that he would guide her through, understand her feelings and take care of her during the initial phase.

Wife’s are generally not against mother-in-law. It is only when they cause a gap between you two, your wife bursts out. No girl would prefer to break a family in the name of Nuclear family, but when she could not bear the pressure anymore and when she fears that the marriage might get into rocks, she suggests nuclear family. Please sit back, analyse the pros and cons and then decide. Sit with her and if she is wrong, convince her. After all she is your better-half.

I admit that. The girl is new to the matrimonial home. At the same time she brings with a few more responsibilities too:

She is no more connected to her paternal home in any solitude per se. She ought to uphold our rich traditions of inclining herself to the new family morphing and transforming herself into a more treasured asset.  I would say all these gimmick-terms like ‘pressures’ are just visual perceptions arising out of hostile vision of the new entrant. The trick of the life is that how she is able to gracefully transition them into a pleasant spring. After all there is only a spring after a fall. Even the bullet fires forward only after the trigger is pulled backward/depressed hard or little.

Trust her and tell you official / personal issues, achievements etc., Communication is a must in any relationship. Especially in an intimate relationship, frank and open communication is a must. Do not hide things. This leads to distrust. Often husband’s does not tell about their salary, expenditure, plans for future etc., If you understand your wife, she is better than any of your friend and you can safely disclose everything to her. End of the day it is in the interest of your family. Your friend / relative would not be there to take care of you when you are in need, but your wife is the only soul who cares from the bottom of her heart, who lives and dies for you ! Trust her..

Listen.. Patiently listen.. I know that it is tough, but girls love to talk and they love even more when their husband listens to them. You need not act upon whatever they have said, but please listen to her.

Do not lie. Honesty is what a girl would definitely expect in her man. Never ever try to betray her. Smaller lies here and there acting as a friendly teaser is ok, but lies which affects your family is definitely not acceptable.

Trust would need to be bilateral. Unless the bride demonstrates transparency and honesty over a timeframe she can not expect the same back to you. It is a simple pretty plain vanilla logic of the world. The listening needs to be full-duplex too. Attempts of percieved domination can not survive or travel any longer. There have been many instances where such attempts or abetted practices have miserably and/or unfortunately succumbed to broken marital bindings.

Do not question when she calls her parents and speaks. Husband’s general attitude is, if wife is close to her family she will not have affinity towards this new family.

I believe we have covered this thought just a few lines before. The encompassing statements on hurt and emotional, I feel, are just flavored to pepper up the statements and hence I am excluding from the current point of debate/discussion.

Do not have the attitude that she does not have outside exposure and hence cannot suggest on financial/ other issues. Guys you are in for a shock. Yes, girls can analyse things having the long run in mind and can suggest better ideas that you might not even have thought of in your wildest imaginations. Now-a-days girls have versatility. They can speak hours together on politics, sports, financial issues, tax planning, rocket science, tourism… anything under the sun.. So never under estimate her talents.

Try to provide the basic necessities of life. Every home is unique. Try to understand her needs and make her feel at home. I know a family where they never even cared to give the girl an almirah to keep her things, let alone the cot/AC !!!

This statement itself qualifies into a separate post. Nevertheless let me summarize a few observations for the point-of-continued discussions and integrity of the post.

Anyone can speak at length and at depth on any topics. However when it comes to implementation it all involves is passion and involvement. Also here the focus is that spendthrift behavior would also impact planning and needs to be included as one of the significant contributing parameters to the discussion.

Do not consider your wife as a machine running behind money. All they need is love, money is needed for survival but love is needed for peaceful survival. Even if you have transferred all your hard earned assets / money to your mom, please tell it to her. We can earn money if we lose, but trust ? Can u ever gain ur trust back. Sorry, highly impossible.
Men aren’t ATM machines either. 🙂 Also, I appreciate the author for supporting my mention of trust and re-emphasizing it a few lines before.
Mom need not be right always! Please get rid of this notion. Whatever my mom says is right, she would never do harm to me. I have seen some instances wherein the mom had been too selfish, got her son’s assets transferred to her name as soon as the marriage was over. That guy was totally upset owing to this, because he loved that house very much and built it with his hard-earned money. The pathetic scenario was that the home loan was still running. He took a personal loan, closed his home loan, transferred the assets to his mom. He never even bothered to inform his wife, let alone listen to her advise/suggestion! She is an expert in accountancy and tax planning ! He had been so blind that his mom can never do any harm to him. His wife accepted this and told him that she never cares about materialistic luxuries, she cares only about him. Even then the guy could never understand his wife. He is still running behind his mom. We can only pray for the girl.

Do not turn too possessive when a girl talks about her Dad. Girls love their dad and they are their hero. You will realise that when you father a girl child. Even if you slightly resemble her dad, she would fall head over heels for you. Trust me!

Be matured enough and start handling the family responsibilities. You cannot make your mom/dad run for your each and every need. Sometimes it is the mom who spoils her son. My friend’s mother-in-law does not even allow her son to tear the pages of a daily calender. She says – We have never given him any work till now. He is the prince of our family and you too should treat him the same way. god save her!

The author is involving in a weird contradictions in these points. I pray that this should have been in inadvertent manner instead of having committed that deliberately. The author claims that ‘girls are emotional’ in one point whereas in this context she does expect her partner to be devoid of any emotions. I don’t think she married a ‘log of wood’ anyway.

Come home early. I am not insisting you to leave early from work, but please start on time. Upon reaching home, talk to your wife for a few minutes at least. I remember a guy who talks non stop about office/ comedy channels. Talking does not mean only that. Ask her how was the day, did she have food on time, what did the kids do etc.,

Do not be a work-acholic and spend your weekends at office, or blogging in free time at home. Spend Quality time with your wife and children .

Do not try to escape from reality. Do not be a coward. When there is a problem, rise up and face it. Do not hide behind and try to escape. It is disgraceful. As Darwin’s Theory rightly states – It is survival of the FITTEST. If you are not bold enough to take decisions / handle a family, sorry – you can never be a role model to your kids.
The groom does not intentionally stay late at works right? After all in these competitive world businesses see utmost focus and contribution for the advancement of the organization. They equip them with ‘Work from home’ and so-called gadgets like blackberry (or blueberry or strawberry and all those related craps) only for that.

Do not keep blowing your own trumpet. People can’t listen that for long.

This is too broader comment. I would invite the author to delve more finer into qualifying the statement so that the debate can be turned more vibrant (devoid of hostility; sans violence)

Do not consider physical relationship as a taboo. I don’t want to touch this in deep, but guys please understand that this relationship plays a vital role in determining the strength of your marital bond. There is nothing wrong in this. If you are a human being, you ought to have these emotions and must vent out with your partner. Know your wife, understand her. If you have any issues consult a good doctor.

Last but not the least, DO NOT BE TOO SPIRITUAL and take her for a toss. I know a guy who has stuck umpteen number of God and goddess pictures in his bedroom. He does not care to remove them even after elders advice. You cannot be so adamant! You can have trust in God, but you have to take some initiatives. He can only guide you and not do everything for you. Do not keep reciting slogas, visiting temples during week days (evenings) and weekends. You have a family to take care of. Spend time with them. God knows you and he will not punish you for being with your wife!

I have only one advise to share on this, quoting Srimad Bhagavad Gita as a picture. A picture is worth thousand words: